Discussion Group Notes 2/11/17

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of February 11th, 2017. These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me. I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission. If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

Missing Months

I’ve neglected to make summary posts for a couple of months now. We did have meetings in both December and January, I just never got around to writing about it. Sorry!

I Forgot The Swag Today

I didn’t bring my fabled Bag o’ Ace Swag today. I had it all packed and ready to go and was halfway to the freeway when I realized it wasn’t in the car. Sorry!

Anyway, enough with the apologies and on with the show!

Pressure and Doubt

Much of the discussion today was a conversation about pressure and doubt. The external pressure to date, the internal pressure to be who people expect you to be, and the doubt that you’re really ace, that it’s actually something else.

As the conversations were personal in nature, I will not summarize them here. Instead, I’ll share some other resources on the subject.

There is a three part series on “Possible Signs of Asexuality“. It’s not a checklist or a diagnostic tool, but it can be an extremely helpful tool for thinking about how you feel, as well as understanding that others feel the same way. There’s also “Am I Asexual?”

There was a recent blog carnival on “The Many Ways To Be Ace“. There was an older blog carnival on relationship expectations.

Julie Decker has written about being asexual, aromantic, and single, and how people react to that, several times: Asexual, Aromantic, Partnerless, Childless … And Happy, as well as Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats.

Here is a discussion about the symptoms of Low Hormone Levels, beyond just a lack of interest in sex.

Bottom line: It’s okay to “try on” the asexual label. If you’re not into sex, that’s all right. You don’t have to be into it, and you don’t have to change yourself to meet the expectations other people have imposed on you. And most importantly, you are not broken and you are not alone.

Resources

(Many of these are on this site’s Resources page!)

WhatIsAsexuality.com and AsexualityArchive.com are two sites about asexuality that I run. WhatIsAsexuality.com has a bunch of resources like pamplets and postcards and slideshows, and AsexualityArchive.com has a free downloadable book.

Speaking of books, the book mentioned was Julie Sondra Decker’s The Invisible Orientation. I believe someone said that this book was in the Gay City library.

Another book on the subject is Understanding Asexuality, by Anthony Bogaert. It’s more academic, and I felt that it veered waaay off course, turning from a book about asexuality, to a series of essays on sexuality on culture where asexuality was barely a footnote. At its lowest points, it wildly speculates about things that could easily have been explored in a more concrete manner by simply talking to some ace people, which he stopped doing about halfway through the book. (Did he forget we exist? Did he get kicked off of AVEN? Was he crunched for time? Was that the week we all left the planet?)

Dr. Bogaert is known for the paper that introduced the “1% Statistic”, which says that around 1% of people are ace. The paper is “Asexuality: Prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample“, from 2004. Bogaert has acknowledged some issues regarding that 1% number and its source. He spends a chapter on the topic in his book, ultimately coming to the conclusion: “The original estimate of 1 percent may not be a bad one, all things considered, and it is possible that it may underestimate the true number of asexual people.”

There is a recently started asexuality research bibliography, if you’re interested in the academic side of things. (The goal of this project is to replace the Asexual Explorations website, which recently disappeared.)

For the fiction side of things, Agent Aletha is keeping a list.

If you’re going to tell your parents that you’re ace, try sending them this: A Parent’s Guide To Asexuality.

And finally, here’s this week’s Savage Love post, the summary of which I totally mangled during the meeting. It’s about a man who has identified as gay, but now believes he’s ace and is worried about how to explain that and where he fits. (…and I’m mangling the summary again, so just read the original.)

Discussion Group Notes 7/9/16

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of July 9th, 2016. These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Potential Screening of (A)sexual

We started the meeting by discussing a possible screening of the documentary (A)sexual. (A)sexual is a 2011 documentary about asexuality, featuring David Jay, founder of AVEN and Julie Sondra Decker, author of The Invisible Orientation, and including Seattle’s own Dan Savage as the film’s main villain. It is available on Netflix and other streaming services, and locally, Three Dollar Bill Cinemas has a copy.

It was suggested that we try to tie the screening into the TWIST Festival or Asexual Awareness Week, both of which are in October. Also floated was the possibility of using the screening as a fundraiser for the group (Likely to help raise the entrance fee for marching in the 2017 Pride Parade) and trying to get someone from the film to come to the screening. If we screen the documentary, we’ll probably pair it with a panel discussion afterward, to address some of the problems with the film, as well as to answer any questions that might come up.

We also talked about alternative/additional things to feature. I mentioned a new documentary that’s being made by asexual people (The (A)sexual documentary was made about aces, but not by aces), but unfortunately that is not going to be released in time for TWIST/AAW this year. There is also the recent Telus short out of Canada, called Asexual: A Love Story, which features several people who come to our group!

Broaching The Subject

One thing I’ve seen over and over again is where someone thinks that a friend or partner might be asexual, but not know about asexuality. We came up with several tips for approaching this situation:

Casually bring up asexuality. “Hey, there’s this thing I just learned about… Isn’t that interesting?” Mention that it’s a thing and a brief explanation of what it is.
Start posting articles/websites/etc. about asexuality to your social media accounts.
“So, there’s this documentary on Netflix that sounded interesting…”
If you’re ace and out, talk about it. “I went to an asexuality meetup this weekend, and…”
But don’t force it on them, don’t say “this is what you are”. It’s not your place to define others. Let them come to their own conclusions.

This again shows the importance of visibility. People can discover that they’re gay on their own because the possibility of being gay is common knowledge. It’s more difficult for people to discover that they’re asexual on their own, because people simply don’t know that it exists.

Glossary

Definitions of various ace-related terms came up. I have a glossary here, but it’s old, it’s missing some terms, and some of the definitions it does have are a problem. I’m working on revising that page, and I’ll get some pamphlets printed up when I’m done with that.

Headcanon Aces and Non-Romantic/Sexual Pairings

There are many, many lists of potential and confirmed aces in fiction. We talked about some characters who didn’t get it on.

CSI NY: Mac and Stella
Elementary: Joan and Sherlock
Firefly: Mal and Zoe
Winter Soldier: Cap and Black Widow
Voyager: Capt. Janeway
CSI: Grissom (Gimme my headcanon, dammit! He just stayed up all night with Lady Heather talking about dead philosophers, and just wore silly hats to bed with Sara.)
Person of Interest: Shaw

Also mentioned were Bones and The X-Files, both of which had strong platonic relationships between the leads, and both of which were ruined when they were unnaturally forced into a romantic/sexual relationship.

Tidbits

The Huffington Post Infographic

UNC Chapel Hill Orientation Defintions

The Genderbread Person

“How I Learned I Was Asexual” Webcomic

Discussion Group Notes 1/9/16

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of January 9th, 2016. These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Meetup Changes

Since we’re growing and the room in the basement can get cramped and hot, and since there are accessibility issues with the basement room, we might be moving to the auditorium upstairs! Changing rooms may require changing meeting days, though. If any changes are made, they’ll be announced.

Seattle Aces Website

SeattleAces.org : You’re looking at it!

This website is meant to be a public face to our group. A way to say “We are here!” to the world. Meetups will still be organized in the group on meetup.com, and this site will point people there. The site is under construction, so if you have any suggestions, let me know!

There is also a new Facebook group for Seattle Aces. Stop by and say hello!

Going forward, I’d also like to try and build a Northwest Aces group, so we can reach out and start collaborating with other ace groups in the region. There’s a Facebook group for that, too. (I’ve also registered “NorthwestAces.org“, but right now it just redirects to the Seattle site.)

Pride Parade

Let’s make it happen this year!

If you’re interested in marching, check out the Meetup discussion for the parade.

If you’re interested in helping to plan, check out the Meetup discussion for the parade.

If you have fundraising ideas, check out the Meetup discussion for the parade.

Basically, check out the Meetup discussion for the parade.

Things that were mentioned today that we’d need:

$500+ entrance fee.
T-Shirts!
Lots of people to march.
People to plan and make it happen.

We also talked about the possibility of trying to collaborate with other groups in the area, and set up a sort of marcher exchange program. For example, we could send a few people to Portland, and Portland could send people here, and we all march in each other’s parades. Anyone know anyone in the PDX group?

KUOW Trans Bathroom Thing

Here’s the segment, if you’re interested.

And the Gender Justice League.

Advocacy Groups or Support Services?

After the meeting, I got to thinking. We spent a fair bit of time talking about advocacy groups related to trans issues, but does anyone know of any advocacy groups or support services in the area that are or should be are aware of ace issues? Maybe we should start reaching out to some local groups and start to provide resources to them.

CDC Study

The CDC recently released the analysis of a survey about sexual attraction and orientation. This survey is notable for completely failing to mention asexuality in any way.

The orientation question was multiple choice and only allowed Straight, Gay, Bi, or Decline To Respond as answers. The attraction question assumed attraction to males, females, or both, and had an “unsure” option, but no “no attraction” option.

Previous versions of the survey did include an “other” option for these questions, but it was removed in 2008.

You can read the report here: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr088.pdf

And here’s some commentary, including an open letter from the leader of the New York City Ace Group: http://wildasexuals.tumblr.com/post/136821002195/nhsr-88-and-asexuality

Relationships

There’s going to be a Relationships meetup! Check it out if you’re interested!

Several people talked about the difficulty of being ace in a relationship, but not having discovered asexuality yet. They mentioned trying desperately to “fix” things that weren’t actually broken. “Have more sex!” “Have different sex!” “Have wild sex!”

The media always talks about how sex stops after getting married or after having a kid, so many asexual people who haven’t discovered asexuality yet might feel that their lack of interest is just a normal relationship progression and not have a problem with it. However, their non-ace partner might have a problem with it, and feel that a lack of sexual attention means a lack of love.

Awareness that one member in a relationship is asexual might help, but it’s not a guarantee. All relationships take dedication and effort and require compromise, and there are countless issues that may arise that have absolutely nothing to do with sex or sexuality.

AVEN has a “For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies” board that may be helpful to people in a mixed relationship.

Discovering the Term

We talked about how we discovered asexuality.

For some people, a friend mentioned it to them. For others, they struggled for years, feeling lost and broken. Some came to the term on their own. Others found it through Tumblr or other social media.

Creating Meetups

If there’s a specific topic you want to talk about, create a meetup!

If you want to try to get a group together closer to where you live, create a meetup!

All you have to do is go to the group on Meetup.com, click “Schedule a new meetup”, and fill in the details.

Other Bits

Wolf eels!

Dan Savage and his “why would you even contemplate inflicting yourself on a normally sexual person” line. (Note that’s from 2011. He’s been less of an ace-hating asshole lately.)