Discussion Group Notes 9/9/17

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of September 9th, 2017.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me. I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission. If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.


There was a couch in the meeting space today.  This is perhaps the most exciting furniture related thing to happen to us since the introduction of the Cookie Chair.


Over half the room seemed like they joined us for the first time today!  Welcome, we hope you enjoyed the discussion, and hope to see you again in the coming months!  (Although, if you’re visiting from California, we’d understand if you don’t come back in October…)

We’re Famous!  Sort Of.  Well Okay, Not Really…

Apparently the book “All the Wrong Places” in the Bluewater Bay series has the characters attend an asexual meetup group in Seattle!  Except…  It’s not us.  They meet in a hipster coffee shop in the U District, while we meet in a hipster coffee shop in Capitol Hill.  Totally different.  They also apparently mention an ace group in Port Angeles.  I think we need to plan a roadtrip to investigate.

There’s another book, Cracked: A Magic iPhone Story, that involves an ace in Seattle, but this one does not feature a meetup group.

Other ace-related books mentioned today:

The Interface Series (which I can’t find a clear link to), although apparently only one book in this series has been published, and that book doesn’t mention asexuality explicitly.

Mr. March Names The Stars, which involves some dating ace pagans.

And then, in the non-fiction category:

Asexual Perspectives: 47 Ace Stories, which is a collection of interviews with ace people.

Ace Inclusion Guide For High Schools, which is a guide for high school staff on how to be more inclusive of asexual people.  This one is also available as a free PDF download.

“A Sexual What…?”

There was a big hubbub about the latest season of BoJack Horseman.  In it, a main character comes out as asexual.  Reaction from ace-land has been largely positive as the portrayal is seen as positive and accurate.  This is probably in large part due to the assistance of members of Ace LA, who worked with show staff to make sure it was handled correctly.

Unconference and Parade

In June, I attended the Berkeley Unconference and the San Francisco Pride Parade, organized by members of Asexuality SF.  They were both valuable experiences and things we should look at doing here at some point.

The Unconference was an all-day event.  About 50 aces, graces, and demis attended.  For an unconference, attendees bring topics they want to talk about, and the day’s schedule is organized on the spot.  People then break off into groups to have 45 minutes to an hour of discussion on the topic, and people are free to switch between them, if they like.  Some of the topics included “Asexuality and Dating”, “Aces in the Media”, “Religion”, “Pathologization of Asexuality”, “Ace POC”, and “Planning for the Future While Aro”.  Many of the sessions are “open”, meaning that anyone is free to join in, but some of the sessions are “closed”, which means they’re limited to those covered by the topic, in order to create a safe space to the conversation.  It’s a great way to connect with other aces in a more in-depth way than we get to in our normal monthly meetups.

The Pride Parade was amazing.  We all got together and marched down Market Street, some of us waving flags, some of us in ace costumes, some of us holding signs.  We handed out stickers and flyers.  The power of marching is in the visibility.  We were there, we showed that we exist.  I saw people in the crowd, screaming with excitement as we passed.  We proved to them that they were real.  Afterwards, I found people mentioning us on Twitter and Tumblr.  And I’ve heard that seeing the aces march in past parades has led some people to discover that they were asexual, has led some therapists to realize that asexuality was a real thing that they needed to learn about.

We should do both of these things here.  The Pride Parade is in June.  There’s apparently a steep registration fee, which is what has turned us off from doing it in the past.  I don’t care about that.  Whatever it is, I’ll cover it.  We are marching in 2018.  I’ll pay the bills, but I’ll need as many of you as possible to show up and march.

An unconference would also be something we can organize here.  We’d just need to book some space (a few separate rooms, if possible), and encourage people to show up with things they want to talk about.

Both of these would also be a great opportunity to reach out to other aces in the greater Northwest.  We’re centrally located between Portland and Vancouver, both of which have established ace meetup groups.  There are bound to be other aces here and there who won’t want to make the effort to get to Seattle for just the ordinary meetups, but who will for the larger events.  Let’s invite them all to town and ace this place up!

My notes from the Unconference are here:  http://www.asexualityarchive.com/category/san-francisco-unconference/

And some thoughts on the parade are here:  http://www.asexualityarchive.com/thoughts-on-a-parade/

Asexual Dating

I’ve covered ace dating conversations in previous posts, and a lot of what was covered today was similar to what was mentioned in the past.  So I’ll skip the repeats and head straight to the new stuff.

There was a recommendation that you not only mark yourself as Asexual in OKCupid, but that you also cover the subject several times in your profile.  Talk about what it means to you, lay out where some of your boundaries lie.  It’s still no guarantee that people will read and understand, but it’s a start.

There is a new ace dating app called “AceApp“.  It’s new, so there might not be many people there, but there won’t be anyone there at all if there aren’t any intrepid pioneers who decide to take the first step.

Therapists and Doctors

Someone brought up whether or not it’s appropriate to come out to a doctor or a therapist, particularly if they start bringing up sex or relationships in connection to the care they are providing.  In some cases, it may be useful to explain your lack of sexual activity or lack of relationships, as it may allow them to rule out certain things (for instance, you’re not likely to be pregnant if you’ve never had sex, so maybe they can skip that pregnancy test if you’re concerned about a missed period).

However, not all health care providers understand or even accept asexuality.  It may be difficult to know ahead of time how they’ll react.  But know this:  You can demand that they believe you and respect you, and if they don’t, you may want to consider finding a doctor who will, if that’s possible.  Resources for Ace Survivors has an info sheet you can print out and bring into your visit.

The lack of awareness of asexuality in the medical profession was a topic that came up at the unconference.  We discussed possible ways to start to fix that, such as reaching out to local doctors and clinics and offering to provide information, offering to present an Asexuality 101 seminar to a local group of providers, or giving a talk at a convention.  However, I am unaware of anyone who is actively taking on a project to work on building bridges with the healthcare world.

After the conference, I found two counselors in the Seattle area who mention working with ace patients on their websites.  One sounded like they might have a decent understanding of asexuality, while the other sounded like they were more interested in prescribing you a pill that is likely to cause spontaneous loss of consciousness.  At some point, I plan to reach out to both of them, in order to find out how they work with ace patients, and whether or not they would like any assistance or resources from any of us.

Assorted Mentions

Ash Hardell video series on “Everything Asexual and Aromantic“.

The Huffington Post series on asexuality.  And the exploration of all the negative comments on those articles (and how to respond when you encounter them in the wild).

The Unassailable Asexual:  The Carnival of Aces and SwankIvy’s videos.

Discussion Group Notes 2/11/17

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of February 11th, 2017.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me. I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission. If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

Missing Months

I’ve neglected to make summary posts for a couple of months now.  We did have meetings in both December and January, I just never got around to writing about it.  Sorry!

I Forgot The Swag Today

I didn’t bring my fabled Bag o’ Ace Swag today.  I had it all packed and ready to go and was halfway to the freeway when I realized it wasn’t in the car.  Sorry!

Anyway, enough with the apologies and on with the show!

Pressure and Doubt

Much of the discussion today was a conversation about pressure and doubt.  The external pressure to date, the internal pressure to be who people expect you to be, and the doubt that you’re really ace, that it’s actually something else.

As the conversations were personal in nature, I will not summarize them here.  Instead, I’ll share some other resources on the subject.

There is a three part series on “Possible Signs of Asexuality“.  It’s not a checklist or a diagnostic tool, but it can be an extremely helpful tool for thinking about how you feel, as well as understanding that others feel the same way.  There’s also “Am I Asexual?

There was a recent blog carnival on “The Many Ways To Be Ace“.  There was an older blog carnival on relationship expectations.

Julie Decker has written about being asexual, aromantic, and single, and how people react to that, several times:  Asexual, Aromantic, Partnerless, Childless …  And Happy, as well as Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats.

Here is a discussion about the symptoms of Low Hormone Levels, beyond just a lack of interest in sex.

Bottom line:  It’s okay to “try on” the asexual label.  If you’re not into sex, that’s all right.  You don’t have to be into it, and you don’t have to change yourself to meet the expectations other people have imposed on you.  And most importantly, you are not broken and you are not alone.


(Many of these are on this site’s Resources page!)

WhatIsAsexuality.com and AsexualityArchive.com are two sites about asexuality that I run.  WhatIsAsexuality.com has a bunch of resources like pamplets and postcards and slideshows, and AsexualityArchive.com has a free downloadable book.

Speaking of books, the book mentioned was Julie Sondra Decker’s The Invisible Orientation.  I believe someone said that this book was in the Gay City library.

Another book on the subject is Understanding Asexuality, by Anthony Bogaert.  It’s more academic, and I felt that it veered waaay off course, turning from a book about asexuality, to a series of essays on sexuality on culture where asexuality was barely a footnote.  At its lowest points, it wildly speculates about things that could easily have been explored in a more concrete manner by simply talking to some ace people, which he stopped doing about halfway through the book.  (Did he forget we exist?  Did he get kicked off of AVEN?  Was he crunched for time?  Was that the week we all left the planet?)

Dr. Bogaert is known for the paper that introduced the “1% Statistic”, which says that around 1% of people are ace.  The paper is “Asexuality: Prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample“, from 2004.  Bogaert has acknowledged some issues regarding that 1% number and its source.  He spends a chapter on the topic in his book, ultimately coming to the conclusion:  “The original estimate of 1 percent may not be a bad one, all things considered, and it is possible that it may underestimate the true number of asexual people.”

There is a recently started asexuality research bibliography, if you’re interested in the academic side of things.  (The goal of this project is to replace the Asexual Explorations website, which recently disappeared.)

For the fiction side of things, Agent Aletha is keeping a list.

If you’re going to tell your parents that you’re ace, try sending them this:  A Parent’s Guide To Asexuality.

And finally, here’s this week’s Savage Love post, the summary of which I totally mangled during the meeting.  It’s about a man who has identified as gay, but now believes he’s ace and is worried about how to explain that and where he fits.  (…and I’m mangling the summary again, so just read the original.)

Discussion Group Notes 12/12/15

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of December 12th, 2015.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics.  This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me.  I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission.  If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

“The Ace Vibe”

There was a short discussion about whether or not there’s an “ace vibe” that we give off.  Several people mentioned that they rarely, if ever, were approached by someone seeking a romantic/sexual relationship, and were wondering if it could be because people sense a lack of interest.

On the other hand, it’s possible that it’s just obliviousness.   Perhaps others are flirting and we’re just missing the signals of interest. (As in my case where I was on vacation and had driven over two hundred miles before I realized that a woman had been flirting with me.)

“Tumblr Sexuality”

We spoke about the perception that asexuality is strictly a “youth” orientation. On the positive side, asexuality is accessible many young people because of how widespread it is on social media.  On the negative side, young people are demonized for exploring their sexual identity.  “You’re a special snowflake, using five words to describe your sexuality.“

There was also an unfortunate side effect of this brought up.  Because it’s so heavily explored and discussed by younger people, older aces might feel alienated from the space.  “I don’t want to be a special snowflake, I don’t want to uage to use all these words to describe me.”  How do we reach out to people who are starting to discover who they are at a later stage of life?  How can people discover asexuality when they’re not involved in the young-skewing social media world where it tends to live?  (I’d personally like to explore this topic in more depth in a future meeting.)

TV Shows

Asexuality’s appearance on House was mentioned.  In the episode “Better Half”, an asexual couple was featured.  For the first two thirds of the episode, the portrayal of asexuality was positive and handled as legitimate.  But because House Must Be Right™, in the last commercial break, House “proves” that one of them had a brain tumor and the other was lying.

This awful portrayal has caused numerous people to think that they can’t be ace because “House proved asexuality can’t be real”.  Here’s a collection of reactions and posts to that episode:  https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/house-linkspam/

Sirens also had an asexual character.  Sirens was a show that ran on the USA Network for two seasons.  The ace character, Voodoo, was in the supporting cast, and several episodes revolved around her relationship with one of the primary characters.  The portrayal of asexuality was largely accurate and positive.  However, other characters said many ignorant and rude things about asexuality.  Asexuality features prominently in the episodes “The Finger”, “Transcendual”, and “Screw The One Percent”.  (Note:  Sirens features crude humor and frequent sexual themes.  Stay away if that’s not your thing.)

Negative Reactions

We spoke about how people have negative reactions to asexuality.

I’ve written extensively about the nonsense you’ll see in Comment Sections.

SwankIVY’s Letters To An Asexual also covers these themes.

Gordon Hodson’s “Prejudice Against Group X” article, and its accompanying paper (”Intergroup bias toward Group X”, MacInnis/Hodson) talks about “Differences as Deficit”, where any difference from “normal” is viewed as wrong.

We wondered if it will get worse before it gets better.  As more people know about us, will their reactions become more negative?

At the same time, the more well known asexuality is, the more people will know someone who is openly asexual.  That’s where the contact hypothesis comes in.  People are less likely to be prejudiced against groups that they know on a more personal level.


Some people mentioned getting negative or dismissive reactions from doctors.  Sometimes they’ll say things like “Well, that’s what you think”, other times they’ll ask if you were abused, etc.  There are often invasive or irrelevant questions, like a form for an eye exam that includes relationship status or sexual orientation.  Doctors sometimes expect patients to be sexually active and do not believe it when they say they’re not.

Resources for Ace Survivors has a reading list and printable fact sheet for healthcare professionals.

Coming Out, Being Out, Staying In

Some people “Live Out Loud”, where they are openly and freely asexual with anyone who comes along.  Some people “Sneak Out”.  Others come out to friends, but not family.  Some people tell their family to stop the “When are you bringing home a [boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/grandchild]?” conversations.  Other people don’t tell their families because they don’t really want to talk about their sex life (or lack thereof).

Tips for talking to others about asexuality included:

  • Slip it into conversation and don’t make a big deal.
  • “You know how there are people you aren’t attracted to?  I feel like that about everybody.”
  • “Does hypersexual exist?  Then why not asexual, too?”

Sometimes people bring up the past when you come out to them.  “Well, what about when you…?”  They don’t always understand that’s not who you truly are, that maybe you were trying to be something you’re not, trying to meet someone else’s definition of “normal”.

Relationship vs. Friendship

Some things brought up as possible ways that a “relationship” is different from a “friendship”:

  • Being able to negotiate intimacy and what you’re looking for.
  • Being a primary consideration.
  • Whether or not concepts like the “Five Love Languages” are applied or make sense, and whether you’re able to assert how you feel about them.

Extroverted Aces

Are things more difficult for extroverted aces?  Introverted aces can go to their personal hermit caves and be fine.  But to extroverted aces feel conflict, where their desire for more personal contact ends up in an undesirable sexual realm?


Apparently goth clubs might be worth checking out for aces who want to go clubbing, especially for more introverted aces.  Compared to regular clubs, they’re more individual, there’s more of a personal bubble, and less “Lady Gaga and d-bags”.  Some goth clubs/nights include the Mercury, the Baltic Room, and Contour.

Also mentioned was Night Crush, which was described as less hypersexualized, more full spectrum than other clubs.

Books and Documentary

We had a brief overview of three books about asexuality.

First was Asexuality: A Brief Introduction. (Also on Amazon) This is my book.  It’s virtually all content from my website, so you’re probably better off reading it there.  In book form, it can get redundant, because it’s a collection of webpages that were written to stand alone.

Julie Sondra Decker’s Invisible Orientation was mentioned.  It’s in paperback now, so it’s cheaper than it was.

Anthony Bogaert’s Understanding Asexuality was the final book to make an appearance.  It’s also now in paperback.  I gave my opinion on it:  It felt like he forgot asexual people existed about halfway through, and it seemed like he had a bunch of papers he hadn’t published elsewhere, so he jammed in a paragraph about asexuality then slipped them into this book.

The documentary “(A)sexual” is available on numerous streaming services.  Though imperfect, it’s worth a watch.  The ending is especially a downer, however I have heard that David Jay has had a happier ending since the filming.  (I’m not privy to the specifics, though, and I can’t find where I heard that.)

Speaking of Books…

Let’s write one!  The idea was floated that there should be a book of ace experiences:  Stories, vingnettes, comments, etc.  Not just focusing on one aspect of asexuality, but exploring living as an asexual.

I know of a few similar projects:

So yeah, let’s write a book.

Let’s March In Pride

This is our year.  Let’s do this.  Who’s with me?  …  And who’d like to organize it all?  We’ll need to get started now to build momentum, reach enough people to have a good showing, and to meet all of the deadlines for being a contingent.

Discussion Group Notes 10/10/15

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of October 10th, 2015.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics.  This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me.  I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission.  If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.


Several books were brought up at the meeting.

How to be a Normal Person” by TJ Klune will be released soon.  It is said to be a gay/ace romance novel, where the gay man wants to become “normal” for the ace character.

The Invisible Orientation” by Julie Sondra Decker (SwankIVY of YouTube) is now available in paperback.  This book is an in-depth exploration of asexuality,

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain is a book about introverts, and how they are viewed and treated by society.

North American Asexuality Conference and Other Conferences:

NAAC2015 was discussed at the meeting.  This was a two day asexuality conference held in Toronto in June of this year, organized by Asexual Outreach.  Notes from a handful of sessions can be found here.

There was some discussion about the logistics of organizing a local conference (or unconference).  The annual SF Ace Unconference was mentioned.

The possibility was also raised about organizing sessions or panels for other conferences in the area, instead of (or in addition to) running a specifically ace event.  GeekGirlCon was mentioned as the type of event to look at.  The NWSA Conference and the Creating Change Conference are two large scale (but non-PNW) events which typically have ace representation, both in attendance and in conference sessions.


The newly FDA approved “Female Viagra” was brought up, and its side effects and other problems were discussed.

Notable issues:

  • Rejected by the FDA twice before being approved.  Approved on the third attempt largely on “gender fairness” and not on safety and effectiveness.
  • Pill is barely more effective than placebo.
  • Is not actually like Viagra, in that it does not act physically to allow people to have sex.  Instead, it alters brain chemistry to make people more willing to have sex.
  • Side effect include spontaneous blackouts, risk of “accidental injury”, and increased risk of appendicitis.
  • Cannot be used with alcohol or birth control pills.
  • Makers claim that it won’t be prescribed to asexual women, but a lack of awareness limits this.  A woman who has never heard of asexuality can’t say “I’m ace, I don’t need that”.  Instead, she may think “I’ve never wanted sex, I’m broken, I need this pill”.
  • “The marketing for this drug spreads the disorder it is intended to treat.”

For more information:

Asexuality Pamphlets/Resources:

Pamphlets from WhatIsAsexuality.com were handed out at the meeting.

It was mentioned that Resources For Ace Survivors has an information sheet directed at doctors and other health care providers.

Also brought up was the High School Resource Guide from Asexual Outreach.

Pride Parade:

It was suggested that we look at marching in the Seattle Pride Parade next year.  While ace contingents have marched in past years, they’ve always piggybacked with some other group.  Maybe it’s time to march in our own right.

Here is parade registration and marching information.

I asked for marching tips, and here were a few that I received:

  • Start planning early.
  • Get things to hand out.  Pamphlets are good for information, and stickers and cheap and popular.
  • Get a banner with the group name and website.  (Note:  We need a group name and website.)
  • A parade is a long walk and it can be in the sun and heat, so be prepared.  Bring water, sunscreen, and snacks.
  • Walk, don’t drive.  (At least at first.)  Walking groups are easier and cheaper than vehicles.
  • A parade can also involve a lot of waiting.
  • Have a way to get out at the end.  It’s a long, one-way walk to PrideFest, and if you don’t want to deal with that, have an escape plan.
  • You WILL be on camera.  If you are not comfortable with being outed, do not march (or march in costume).
  • Consider a smaller Pride event in the area, which might be cheaper, calmer, and less intimidating.
  • Have your speech practiced:  “What is asexuality?”  “Why are you here?”, etc.

(Thanks, @sennkestra!  These and more posted here:  https://nextstepcake.wordpress.com/2015/10/13/tips-for-prospective-ace-pride-marchers/)

Some groups who have marched (and might be worth reaching out to for tips):

Asexual Awareness Week:

AAW 2015 is October 19th-25th.  Some suggestions were to wear ace-related clothing (including ace scarves, for the knitters), or put up ace-related information at work (either at your workspace or on a shared bulletin board).

GSRM and the Alphabet Soup:

The acronym GSRM was brought up as an alternative to LGBTQIA(etc.), QUILTBAG, and so on.  GSRM is “Gender, Sexuality, and Romantic Minorities”.  It has the upside of being inclusive by default (There can’t be squabbling about who gets a letter or what the letters stand for) and not becoming unwieldly long.  It has the downside of using the word “minorities” in an inappropriate context.

Another alternative is “MOGAI”:  Marginalized Orientations, Genders, and Intersex.

Some people tend to lean toward using “Queer” as the blanket term, but that word’s history can be a problem.

The One Percent:

Bogaert’s 1% statistic was brought up, and there was discussion about why that number might be low.  A question was raised about the prevalence of other orientations, and it was noted that the percentages vary wildly from study to study, survey to survey.

I am planning on writing a piece about the 1% statistic at some point in the future.


Merchandace is a site that links to ace themed shirts, jewelry, flags, keychains, etc.

The ridiculous “Padlock” image chain.

There is a recent series on therapists and asexuality on The Asexual AgendaPart 1 | Part 2

(Spoiler alert!) A screengrab of the final scene from Pacific Rim can be seen here.

Discussion Group Notes 9/12/15

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of September 12th, 2015.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics.  This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me.  I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission.  If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

Creating meetups:

A good location is important.  Try a café or a coffee shop or something that’s near transit.  Something next to a park and ride is a good option, because they typically have good bus accessibility and parking for drivers.

If you’re trying to pull together an event-based meetup, pick something you like doing.  That way, even if people don’t show up, you still have a chance to have a good time.

Expect fewer people to show up than RSVP.  Many people who RSVP don’t show up, or duck out at the last minute.

Make the event predictable and regular.  If everyone knows that there’s an event every third Friday, it’ll be easier to plan for it.  Additionally, people are more likely to go to recurring events, because they will appear more successful than one-offs.

Don’t get discouraged.  Don’t give up easily.  Even if no one shows up the first time, try again.  Be patient and the event might grow over time.

There are more aces than you think.  Even if it seems like you might be the only one in your city, you’re probably not.  Maybe you just haven’t met them yet.  Maybe they’re all waiting around for someone else to start something.

Going to a café or bar, going bowling, or playing board or card games were suggested as good activities.

Consider having a Facebook group or Tumblr or something similar so that people can learn more about each other and see what the group is like outside of the events.  (Although Facebook has the disadvantage of being more visible to other people in your life that you might not want to be out to.)

Mort(e) the Cat Book

The book Mort(e) by Robert Repino was mentioned.  It’s apparently a post-apocalyptic sci-fi novel about animals setting out to wipe out the humans.  The main character (a cat) was mentioned as being non-sexual/possibly asexual in some way.


Here is the series:  http://www.advocate.com/search/site/%2321acestories

And here’s some ace responses to it:

Coming Out

Coming out can open minds around you.  This is called the “Contact Hypothesis”.  By simply being openly ace, asexuality can stop being completely alien and strange to some of the people around you.  Now that they know an asexual, they know it’s not that bad.  They have a frame of reference.

“Just because you don’t feel that way, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  It doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

Some people came out on Facebook to mixed results.  Sometimes, people were accepting, other times they were told “Don’t talk about that”.  People who judge there can be unfriended.

You don’t have to come out to anyone.  You can be out to some people, not out to others.  Sometimes you don’t want to come out because you know someone will take issue, sometimes you don’t want to come out because it’s just not something you want to bring up in that situation.  If you don’t want to come out, don’t.  It is not necessary to be out in any circumstances, for any reason.  Don’t tell anyone you don’t want to tell.

Other people around you may have already figured it out, even if they didn’t have a word for it.

Comic on asexuality:  http://adriofthedead.tumblr.com/post/65540442968/okay-i-realize-this-hilariously-late-for

“How many people do I have to meet before you’ll accept that there’s no ‘Right one’ for me?  I’ve met thousands of people.  10000?  100000?  I think the sample size is significant by now.”

There’s some discussion of coming out here and here.

There is “A Parent’s Guide To Asexuality”, which might be useful to send to parents if you come out.  If you don’t want to send it, it might at least give you some idea of how to respond to what they might say.

National Coming Out Day is October 11th.  There is typically a lot of information on coming out and support for doing so on or around that day.

And again, you do not have to come out to anyone for any reason.  Be comfortable.  Be safe.

Demi/Ace and Dating

OKCupid is a little bit better when being open in your profile, but there will still be people who only want in your pants as fast as possible who’ll try anyway.

But you don’t have to be open.  Keep in mind that there may be coworkers and other people you know who’ll find you on that site, since it is public.

Acebook was described as “slow” and “miserable”

Strong Platonic Friendships

OKCupid was mentioned as a place to say you’re looking for friends.  Not everyone understands this, so be prepared to deal with people who want more.

“Intentional Communities”, like communal houses, the Chinese spinster women of 150 years ago, etc.

Ace in a Poly Relationship

“I gotta get laid!”  “Well, go ahead!”

Sex Conversation

“Not offended, just bored.”

What’s the point of randomly inserted sex scenes?  Get on with the plot!

Random Bits:

Inside Amy Schumer sexting video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqYCsqUCNgo

Gold Star Aces:  SwankIvy talks about the Unassailable Asexual, which is related:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXXqYcZJUGI

Let Me Google That For You:  http://lmgtfy.com/?q=asexuality

North American Asexuality Conference Notes:  http://www.asexualityarchive.com/category/north-american-asexuality-conference/  The conference was put on by Asexual Outreach.

Ace Rings: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/black-rings/