Discussion Group Notes 9/10/16

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of September 10th, 2016. These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me. I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission. If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

 

Creating Change Conference

Creating Change is an annual LGBTQIAetc conference, put on by the National LGBTQ Task Force.  Creating Change 2017 will be held in January, in Philadelphia.  For the past several years, there has been a group of aces who have attended.  The CC2017 ace group is currently putting together presentation proposals!  If you’re interested, head here for more information:  https://nextstepcake.wordpress.com/2016/08/31/wanted-aces-and-aros-at-creating-change-2017-in-philadelphia/

Even if you don’t have anything to present, you can still attend and represent the Emerald City!

Seattle Aces Facebook Group

The Seattle Aces Facebook group was mentioned several times.  Are you a member?  You should be a member!  (There’s also a Northwest Aces group!)

Vloggers Coming Out

Two somewhat prominent vloggers talked about their orientations this week.

Kenna, a fashion vlogger, talked about being an aromantic asexual.

Meanwhile, Ricky Dillon, a exploding watermelon/extreme bubble-wrapping vlogger, talked about being “none of the above”.

The Rest of Us Coming Out

We spoke about the reactions we’ve gotten when coming out.  I will not discuss these personal stories here, as they were spoken in a safe space, however, if you would like to read other people’s accounts of coming out as asexual, head over here.

If you’d like to come out, October has both National Coming Out Day (October 11th) and Asexual Awareness Week (October 23rd-29th).  There is also a series of tips from other aces, which might help you.

Media Mentions

Magic and Mayhem: Fiction and Essays Celebrating LGBTQ Romance

Natsume’s Book of Friends

Grave of the Fireflies

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Asoka

Bones

The X-Files

Other Notes

Women in Reasonable Armor

5 Myths About Asexuality

Ace Rainbow Shirt

The Washington State Fair in Puyallup

Discussion Group Notes 8/13/16

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of August 13th, 2016. These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics. This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me. I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission. If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

Asexual Awareness Week

Asexual Awareness Week 2016 is coming!  October 23rd – 29th.

Are you doing anything for it?  Should we as a group do anything for it?

I know there had been a discussion about hosting a “Movie Night” of sorts, with a screen of ace documentaries and a panel, but I haven’t heard anything more.  We also talked about moving October’s meeting to be the 22nd, just before AAW.

Different Ways to be Ace

The way people think about asexuality is not the same for everyone.  For some people, asexuality is strongly associated with never having sex, never masturbating, never dating.  Others might date, some might masturbate, and some might have sex and even enjoy it.  This can lead to a lot of confusion when someone is first discovering asexuality.  People may doubt that they’re ace, because they’ve only heard one person’s description of how that person experiences and thinks about being asexual, and it doesn’t exactly match their own feelings.  Common points of confusion include “What is attraction?” and how current or past actions play into things.

Some people hear about asexuality and know right away.  Others can have a group of ace friends for years, but still not know, because their asexuality isn’t quite the same as their friends’.

All this speaks to the importance of telling all sides of asexuality, from the sex-repulsed permanent virgin, to promiscuous domme, from the flirtatious serial dater, to the permanently single, to the 50-something that got married right out of high school, has two kids, hasn’t has sex in years, but has a shoebox of sex toys under the bed.  It also speaks to the importance of a general awareness of asexuality, so that people can find out about it earlier and understand the varied forms it can take.  This can be done by people being out, by asexuality getting included in sex ed programs, by sharing articles and videos on the topic, among other things.

Broaching the Subject

So, if you’re asexual and you’re an expert on asexuality, that means you should tell other people you think might be ace that they’re probably asexual, right?

No…  Not exactly.

If you go up to someone and say “Hey, you’re asexual!”, that’s more than likely going to make them defensive and not be interested in what you have to say.  More importantly, you have no idea what that other person is feeling.  It is not your place to try to push an identity on someone else.  It is entirely up to them to discover themselves.

If you bring it up the wrong way, it can be uncomfortable and invasive.  It can feel like you’re trying to “diagnose” or “fix” them, rather than introducing them to a description that might apply.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t say anything.

  • You can come out to them.  “Hey, I want you to know that I’m asexual, and this is what that means.”  It can even be a no-drama, off-hand, statement of truth as part of the conversation.  “Well, you know I’m ace, so I don’t really see what’s so interesting about Random Sexy Celebrity.”
  • You can share articles or videos or websites, with a note like “I found this interesting”.  With the way social media works, you don’t even have to single them out.  You can just start posting stuff on broadcast and they’ll see it.
  • You can just start talking about asexuality as a thing that exists.  You can ask “Do you know what asexuality is?”, then start describing it.
  • You can tell them all about the wonderful and exciting Seattle Aces meetups you attend!  You can even invite them along as personal support.

“I Just Want You to be Happy!”

We talked about how people sometimes make well meaning remarks that end up being hurtful.  People tend to use what makes themselves happy as a benchmark for what makes other people happy, and when that benchmark isn’t met, people tend to want to meddle and “correct” the situation.

This is often seen when people think that being single or sexless is a miserable state.  Many asexual or aromantic people are just fine being single or sexless, but other people can’t understand that.

If it comes up, tell the person that what they want for you isn’t going to make you happy, and that your current situation isn’t making you unhappy.

Partner Exclusivity and the Third Wheel

It was brought up that being single can sometimes be isolating.  You might be close friends, but you’re not the Priority Person™.  Some suggestions were to find a group of people who are single or soloists, to look into the polyamorous community where there’s less of a sense of the One Exclusive Priority Person™, or to get involved with things like volunteering or going to social meetups, where there’s no expectation of coupling up.

Create Your Own Meetups

You can create your own meetups!  Want to get together on the Eastside?  Form a Thursday Lunch Group at the Bellevue CPK!  Want to go for a hike, but don’t want to go alone?  Aces Conquer Mt. Pilchuck!  Anyone who’s in the group can create events.

Other Things

Asexual: A Love Story

Pieces of Ace Podcast

The Guardian Legend

Discussion Group Notes 12/12/15

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of December 12th, 2015.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics.  This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me.  I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission.  If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

“The Ace Vibe”

There was a short discussion about whether or not there’s an “ace vibe” that we give off.  Several people mentioned that they rarely, if ever, were approached by someone seeking a romantic/sexual relationship, and were wondering if it could be because people sense a lack of interest.

On the other hand, it’s possible that it’s just obliviousness.   Perhaps others are flirting and we’re just missing the signals of interest. (As in my case where I was on vacation and had driven over two hundred miles before I realized that a woman had been flirting with me.)

“Tumblr Sexuality”

We spoke about the perception that asexuality is strictly a “youth” orientation. On the positive side, asexuality is accessible many young people because of how widespread it is on social media.  On the negative side, young people are demonized for exploring their sexual identity.  “You’re a special snowflake, using five words to describe your sexuality.“

There was also an unfortunate side effect of this brought up.  Because it’s so heavily explored and discussed by younger people, older aces might feel alienated from the space.  “I don’t want to be a special snowflake, I don’t want to uage to use all these words to describe me.”  How do we reach out to people who are starting to discover who they are at a later stage of life?  How can people discover asexuality when they’re not involved in the young-skewing social media world where it tends to live?  (I’d personally like to explore this topic in more depth in a future meeting.)

TV Shows

Asexuality’s appearance on House was mentioned.  In the episode “Better Half”, an asexual couple was featured.  For the first two thirds of the episode, the portrayal of asexuality was positive and handled as legitimate.  But because House Must Be Right™, in the last commercial break, House “proves” that one of them had a brain tumor and the other was lying.

This awful portrayal has caused numerous people to think that they can’t be ace because “House proved asexuality can’t be real”.  Here’s a collection of reactions and posts to that episode:  https://writingfromfactorx.wordpress.com/2012/01/25/house-linkspam/

Sirens also had an asexual character.  Sirens was a show that ran on the USA Network for two seasons.  The ace character, Voodoo, was in the supporting cast, and several episodes revolved around her relationship with one of the primary characters.  The portrayal of asexuality was largely accurate and positive.  However, other characters said many ignorant and rude things about asexuality.  Asexuality features prominently in the episodes “The Finger”, “Transcendual”, and “Screw The One Percent”.  (Note:  Sirens features crude humor and frequent sexual themes.  Stay away if that’s not your thing.)

Negative Reactions

We spoke about how people have negative reactions to asexuality.

I’ve written extensively about the nonsense you’ll see in Comment Sections.

SwankIVY’s Letters To An Asexual also covers these themes.

Gordon Hodson’s “Prejudice Against Group X” article, and its accompanying paper (”Intergroup bias toward Group X”, MacInnis/Hodson) talks about “Differences as Deficit”, where any difference from “normal” is viewed as wrong.

We wondered if it will get worse before it gets better.  As more people know about us, will their reactions become more negative?

At the same time, the more well known asexuality is, the more people will know someone who is openly asexual.  That’s where the contact hypothesis comes in.  People are less likely to be prejudiced against groups that they know on a more personal level.

Doctors

Some people mentioned getting negative or dismissive reactions from doctors.  Sometimes they’ll say things like “Well, that’s what you think”, other times they’ll ask if you were abused, etc.  There are often invasive or irrelevant questions, like a form for an eye exam that includes relationship status or sexual orientation.  Doctors sometimes expect patients to be sexually active and do not believe it when they say they’re not.

Resources for Ace Survivors has a reading list and printable fact sheet for healthcare professionals.

Coming Out, Being Out, Staying In

Some people “Live Out Loud”, where they are openly and freely asexual with anyone who comes along.  Some people “Sneak Out”.  Others come out to friends, but not family.  Some people tell their family to stop the “When are you bringing home a [boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/grandchild]?” conversations.  Other people don’t tell their families because they don’t really want to talk about their sex life (or lack thereof).

Tips for talking to others about asexuality included:

  • Slip it into conversation and don’t make a big deal.
  • “You know how there are people you aren’t attracted to?  I feel like that about everybody.”
  • “Does hypersexual exist?  Then why not asexual, too?”

Sometimes people bring up the past when you come out to them.  “Well, what about when you…?”  They don’t always understand that’s not who you truly are, that maybe you were trying to be something you’re not, trying to meet someone else’s definition of “normal”.

Relationship vs. Friendship

Some things brought up as possible ways that a “relationship” is different from a “friendship”:

  • Being able to negotiate intimacy and what you’re looking for.
  • Being a primary consideration.
  • Whether or not concepts like the “Five Love Languages” are applied or make sense, and whether you’re able to assert how you feel about them.

Extroverted Aces

Are things more difficult for extroverted aces?  Introverted aces can go to their personal hermit caves and be fine.  But to extroverted aces feel conflict, where their desire for more personal contact ends up in an undesirable sexual realm?

Clubbing

Apparently goth clubs might be worth checking out for aces who want to go clubbing, especially for more introverted aces.  Compared to regular clubs, they’re more individual, there’s more of a personal bubble, and less “Lady Gaga and d-bags”.  Some goth clubs/nights include the Mercury, the Baltic Room, and Contour.

Also mentioned was Night Crush, which was described as less hypersexualized, more full spectrum than other clubs.

Books and Documentary

We had a brief overview of three books about asexuality.

First was Asexuality: A Brief Introduction. (Also on Amazon) This is my book.  It’s virtually all content from my website, so you’re probably better off reading it there.  In book form, it can get redundant, because it’s a collection of webpages that were written to stand alone.

Julie Sondra Decker’s Invisible Orientation was mentioned.  It’s in paperback now, so it’s cheaper than it was.

Anthony Bogaert’s Understanding Asexuality was the final book to make an appearance.  It’s also now in paperback.  I gave my opinion on it:  It felt like he forgot asexual people existed about halfway through, and it seemed like he had a bunch of papers he hadn’t published elsewhere, so he jammed in a paragraph about asexuality then slipped them into this book.

The documentary “(A)sexual” is available on numerous streaming services.  Though imperfect, it’s worth a watch.  The ending is especially a downer, however I have heard that David Jay has had a happier ending since the filming.  (I’m not privy to the specifics, though, and I can’t find where I heard that.)

Speaking of Books…

Let’s write one!  The idea was floated that there should be a book of ace experiences:  Stories, vingnettes, comments, etc.  Not just focusing on one aspect of asexuality, but exploring living as an asexual.

I know of a few similar projects:

So yeah, let’s write a book.

Let’s March In Pride

This is our year.  Let’s do this.  Who’s with me?  …  And who’d like to organize it all?  We’ll need to get started now to build momentum, reach enough people to have a good showing, and to meet all of the deadlines for being a contingent.

Discussion Group Notes 9/12/15

These are notes from the Seattle and Surrounding Aces Discussion Group meeting of September 12th, 2015.  These are notes about what we talked about, relevant links, and other information about discussion topics.  This is not meant to be a transcript and is not necessarily even meant to be a coherent recounting of the discussion.

Privacy of group members and keeping that room a safe and open place is important to me.  I will try my best to not post personal information or individual stories without permission.  If I write something that you’d rather not have on here, please let me know immediately and I will remove it.

Creating meetups:

A good location is important.  Try a café or a coffee shop or something that’s near transit.  Something next to a park and ride is a good option, because they typically have good bus accessibility and parking for drivers.

If you’re trying to pull together an event-based meetup, pick something you like doing.  That way, even if people don’t show up, you still have a chance to have a good time.

Expect fewer people to show up than RSVP.  Many people who RSVP don’t show up, or duck out at the last minute.

Make the event predictable and regular.  If everyone knows that there’s an event every third Friday, it’ll be easier to plan for it.  Additionally, people are more likely to go to recurring events, because they will appear more successful than one-offs.

Don’t get discouraged.  Don’t give up easily.  Even if no one shows up the first time, try again.  Be patient and the event might grow over time.

There are more aces than you think.  Even if it seems like you might be the only one in your city, you’re probably not.  Maybe you just haven’t met them yet.  Maybe they’re all waiting around for someone else to start something.

Going to a café or bar, going bowling, or playing board or card games were suggested as good activities.

Consider having a Facebook group or Tumblr or something similar so that people can learn more about each other and see what the group is like outside of the events.  (Although Facebook has the disadvantage of being more visible to other people in your life that you might not want to be out to.)

Mort(e) the Cat Book

The book Mort(e) by Robert Repino was mentioned.  It’s apparently a post-apocalyptic sci-fi novel about animals setting out to wipe out the humans.  The main character (a cat) was mentioned as being non-sexual/possibly asexual in some way.

#21acestories

Here is the series:  http://www.advocate.com/search/site/%2321acestories

And here’s some ace responses to it:

Coming Out

Coming out can open minds around you.  This is called the “Contact Hypothesis”.  By simply being openly ace, asexuality can stop being completely alien and strange to some of the people around you.  Now that they know an asexual, they know it’s not that bad.  They have a frame of reference.

“Just because you don’t feel that way, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  It doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

Some people came out on Facebook to mixed results.  Sometimes, people were accepting, other times they were told “Don’t talk about that”.  People who judge there can be unfriended.

You don’t have to come out to anyone.  You can be out to some people, not out to others.  Sometimes you don’t want to come out because you know someone will take issue, sometimes you don’t want to come out because it’s just not something you want to bring up in that situation.  If you don’t want to come out, don’t.  It is not necessary to be out in any circumstances, for any reason.  Don’t tell anyone you don’t want to tell.

Other people around you may have already figured it out, even if they didn’t have a word for it.

Comic on asexuality:  http://adriofthedead.tumblr.com/post/65540442968/okay-i-realize-this-hilariously-late-for

“How many people do I have to meet before you’ll accept that there’s no ‘Right one’ for me?  I’ve met thousands of people.  10000?  100000?  I think the sample size is significant by now.”

There’s some discussion of coming out here and here.

There is “A Parent’s Guide To Asexuality”, which might be useful to send to parents if you come out.  If you don’t want to send it, it might at least give you some idea of how to respond to what they might say.

National Coming Out Day is October 11th.  There is typically a lot of information on coming out and support for doing so on or around that day.

And again, you do not have to come out to anyone for any reason.  Be comfortable.  Be safe.

Demi/Ace and Dating

OKCupid is a little bit better when being open in your profile, but there will still be people who only want in your pants as fast as possible who’ll try anyway.

But you don’t have to be open.  Keep in mind that there may be coworkers and other people you know who’ll find you on that site, since it is public.

Acebook was described as “slow” and “miserable”

Strong Platonic Friendships

OKCupid was mentioned as a place to say you’re looking for friends.  Not everyone understands this, so be prepared to deal with people who want more.

“Intentional Communities”, like communal houses, the Chinese spinster women of 150 years ago, etc.

Ace in a Poly Relationship

“I gotta get laid!”  “Well, go ahead!”

Sex Conversation

“Not offended, just bored.”

What’s the point of randomly inserted sex scenes?  Get on with the plot!

Random Bits:

Inside Amy Schumer sexting video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqYCsqUCNgo

Gold Star Aces:  SwankIvy talks about the Unassailable Asexual, which is related:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXXqYcZJUGI

Let Me Google That For You:  http://lmgtfy.com/?q=asexuality

North American Asexuality Conference Notes:  http://www.asexualityarchive.com/category/north-american-asexuality-conference/  The conference was put on by Asexual Outreach.

Ace Rings: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/black-rings/